Temporary Workaholic Wannabe

I've decided this blog is just the place to puzzle out my work situation. I, a lover of leisure, a firm believer in the equivalence of wealth to leisure, have a part-time job with an employer (which incidentally pays me full-time benefits), as well as a (brand new) independent contracting business. I'm trying to turn myself into a free-lance writer. It's grueling.

First of all, I don't have the highest level of confidence. I don't know why, because I've supported myself successfully since I was eighteen. But that is a facet of my psychology that I'm working to change.

Okay, enough wallowing in undeserved self-pity.

The fact is, I am in debt. I went to graduate school and got a couple of degrees. What was I thinking? Well, it wasn't a total loss. Even at my present level of productivity (coping with those insecurities) I make 5X the money I did before I got the degrees. If I had more verve, I'd be doing even better.

Because of the insecurities, I have this ultra-aggressive schedule for paying back my educational debts. My life is bent in that direction. Being an independent contractor, wanting to pay back debts, and being existentially insecure adds up to workaholism, of a sort.

I don't think I'm a hardcore, at-heart workaholic. What I really want is meaningful work integrated into a meaningful life. That is my core goal. Right Livelihood.

I am much closer than ever. Yet I value my leisure time, quite highly. This is the central situation and dilemma of my present life. I crave the independence from need that only a debt-free financial situation will provide. So I aim myself like an arrow at it, the same way I aimed myself at a Masters' degree, back when I incurred this debt. Not looking to the right, nor the left.

If I'm able to maintain my aggressive payback schedule, I will my last payment against my debt before July, 2008. I will also have acculmulated modest retirement savings (though not necessarily at an optimal rate during this period of intensified payback). And I'll be free to pursue work that maximizes my talents, regardless of the compensation, at last, at last. Free at last.

I hope, ultimately, that I have talent that will blossom when the pressure is gone and the discretion is mine. Meanwhile I plan, and I work towards ever-greater independence and an enviable quotient of leisure time.